When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
