Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
