there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
