Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize