GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
