Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
