Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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