Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
