He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
