I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
