I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
