I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
