I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
