I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
