I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
