oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
