Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
