that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
