Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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