Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
