By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
