Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
