The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize