Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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