Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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