Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
