my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
