I just threw up on my dentist
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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