If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
