but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
