You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
