I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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