if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
