You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize