Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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