i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
