How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
