She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
