I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
