Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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