You really coming over, don't trick.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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