Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
