You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want a musical about memes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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