remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
