I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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