Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
