Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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