Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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