Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
