All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
