Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
