I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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