go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I look better un-naked...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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