so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
