Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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