babies were throwing up all over the place
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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