At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
