Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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