i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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