I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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