where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
