Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize