Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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